#turns out the frequency was autism

[bookwyrminspiration]

just like queer people, autistics will find each other even before knowing they’re autistic, and one by one everyone will have their realization until you’re comically losing you’re shit every time because fucking AGAIN?!? ANOTHER ONE?!?

[jellycatstuffies]

Unfortunately, I have bad news. My disability money that I receive because of my Level 2 Autism, my main income, has not come in this month due to a bureaucratic mess-up that is going to take too long to be solved and may also not come in next month. (I am in Germany btw, and it is not just a stereotype that bureaucracy here is horrible and just... hellacious)

Coinciding with that, my parents have stopped supporting me financially thinking that the money that the state gives me now is way more than I deserve and that I am somehow living "the rich life" with that... I get this money because I cannot work a job. If you could work a job in Germany, they would absolutely make you, but they have ruled that out for me now completely. The money one does get as a severely disabled person is not more than what a non-disabled unemployed person gets (a fact that is unethical and immoral in my opinion but that as a sidenote) We have special needs, for example, I need meal replacements due to my autism which I am also working on having covered by insurance, but again, it is taking forever.

To make it through this month after having paid my rent, I will need some other financial support. I do have some of my Jellycats up for sale on my Ebay and may put up more (shipping outside of the EU is not an option for me, sorry) but I would appreciate it more if this post was shared so I might receive some emergency Ko-fi donations.

I would not be writing this here if it wasn't an emergency. This blog is about Jellycats and the autistic boy that loves them and sharing them with the world. It is making me uncomfortable to post this in my safe space which is why I will delete this post after the end of the month. But for now, I am desperate and do not know where else to turn to.

(I will continue to be posting on my blog as usual, that is not changing, although please understand that I am under a lot of stress right now and the frequency might be less this month)

Thank you for reading, for sharing and for your support, whether financial or emotional, it is greatly appreciated.

Happy Autism Acceptance Month💖

-Victor

Ko-fi / Instagram

[angiethewitch]

hi i am enamored by your sounds of life post. i grew up not being able to hear much or at all and now after a surgery i can hear with crystal clarity. all of the frequencies high and low distant and near. i think i felt just as happy as you did initially but it didn't last very long, i started to become very irritated and depressed.. you can't just turn the sound off, everything makes noise, the wind makes noise and you can't even see the wind, im surprised we can't hear the roar of the sun. sleeping was difficult, reading was difficult, *thinking* was difficult.. even in the quietest places like a library with only two people inside, every page turn, every slight weight shift leaving the wood in chairs creaking.

i don't mean to worry anyone, i wear a combo of earplugs & sound suppressing earmuffs when I'm not out and about now and i feel better mostly. i feel a combo of both jealous that i didn't get to feel as joyful for as long as you have AND super happy you weren't as affected as me, but maybe you did feel something similar and just keep it private because it doesn't dominate how you feel as a whole. i guess i just want to know if you experienced anything similar?

i didn't mean for this to affect anyone negatively so if you don't want to post it that's ok, if you still want to answer just call out the hearing anon thank you for reading

hey, im sorry your experience has been bad. I do get you, im autistic and sometimes it does get too much, and I suppose im lucky in a sense because if I get overwhelmed I can just switch my hearing off. obviously switching it off comes with its own problems, but it can help with the sensory overload.

I suppose I don't really talk about it because im just so grateful i can hear after I spent 24 years in a muffled world. ive been hit by a car twice because I couldn't hear them. I couldn't appreciate all the sounds my little cat made. before my rats died, I never got to hear them make all the noises they do until I got aids. I spent my childhood having people tell me I just wasn't listening, people calling me stupid and slow. so now I can hear, im embracing the positives of the experience. there are certainly downsides, like sensory overload and finding noises that set my autism off and I suffer from migraines anyway so the extra flow of information sets them off occasionally and that's difficult...but I spent so long not being able to hear and experience the laughter of my friends, my husbands heartbeat, never being able to appreciate the subtler sounds of life, always missing out on conversation, that I choose to focus on the good. im so glad I can hear now and experience the soundscape this world has to offer me.

[ishotmydickoff]

Some more Transformers HeadCanons Because I Can:

Biology Edition!

They normally sleep in comfy beds. They just sleep on slabs because of military budgets [and perhaps animation budgets].

Energon can be made into fine cuisine. We mostly see it in cube or liquid form because those are just rations. This is, again, due to military budgets and the need to sacrifice quality for efficiency.

Mechs still rely on energon for fuel because either they still have not found an alternative, or there is no sufficient and easily accessable alternative. [Like how earth vehicles can run on fossil fuels, sunflower oil, solar power, electricity, and/or corn.]

The reason why there are "evil" humans is partially due to Unicron's influence. Genetics, negative influence, and being taught that things that are considered "bad" are okay are what often makes a person "bad" in our society. In the Transformers Universe, combining this with lower altitude in relation to sea level makes these people more susceptible to Unicron's influence, turning them into antagonists. Also being in Ohio can do that to a mf.

Some mechs can hear more broad frequencies than other mechs. It's usually dependent on make, model, and occupation. For example: intelligence and communication mechs are often able to hear static more clearly than others incase of the wire being tapped during a private conversation where the enemy or another unauthorized personel is listening in. Also autism.

Professor Sumdac was an Ohioan. This one is canon. I just wanted to point it out. He betrayed us and moved to M*chigan.

The reason why earth is charted on some Cybertronian maps and why those who travel there know English and many other Earth languages is because of the Voyager 1.

Energon is undergoes a chemical reaction when in the organs of Cybertronians that converts it into energy. It's when it's outside in Earth's atmosphere that it begins to crystalize. In a cave for example, energon particles react with carbon dioxide in the atmosphere. Combined with heat and pressure it creates raw, impure energon. Human miners who have found it often call it "Fool's Diamond". The energon particles drifted across the universe millions of years ago from Cybertronian Energon Farms, implanting on various planets in a process similar to pollination and spores.

[chipped-chimera]

Gonna just chime in and add - a lot of traits that are associated with Autism and ADHD are actually 'normal'. The difference here between it just being part of the human experience and actually Autism/ADHD is frequency and/or sensitivity, or even the severity.

For example, in the case of Autism - anyone can experience sensory overload/overwhelm. The mechanism is the same and just goes with 'you have a brain'. You've gotta remember brains are actually sitting in a dark room, all the time interpreting data from the sensors wired into your body (eyes, ears, sense of touch etc.). You bombard those sensors with enough information, they will get overloaded. If you think I'm talking shit as a neurotypical - think shopping centers/malls during Christmas shopping period. Heaps of people, voices echoing off tiles, Christmas music constantly blaring from every corner playing a different song out every door, kids screaming and crying, smells of food and perfume mixing together (idk they always have pop up stalls here in Australia right in the thoroughfares) people jostling your elbows, if you're where I am add 'probably sweaty af because of the heat outside before you came in'.

Anyone would feel absolutely wiped having to deal with that for a few hours straight. That is sensory overload.

The difference between a neurotypical (normal neurology) and someone with Autism is our sensitivity is jacked up way too high. There's various theories as to why, I think the current? front-runner is it's reduced synaptic pruning - basically meaning Autistic's possibly retain more synaptic connections from infancy than others. To put it into an analogy, imagine you have a 'volume' knob for your senses. Yours is sitting (as a neurotypical) at a nice level that you can manage in daily life. The Autistic person however, has it turned up to maximum volume - double your own experience. Suddenly it becomes clear how something that would normally be overwhelming for one person can trigger a complete meltdown in their neurological system resulting in either a meltdown, shutdown or total disassociation from the body in the brain's attempt to mitigate harm. Also given Autism is considered a spectrum, everyone's volume knobs are set a bit different. Some might be really strong for some things, but not others and that'll vary from person to person.

Now for an ADHD example - yes, we all forget things. Everyone has probably experienced the phenomenon known as the 'Doorway Effect' whereby entering a room to go get something - you've suddenly forgot why you're there. And then have to go retrace your steps back to the previous room to 'remember' it, as if you left your brain behind when you changed rooms.

The theory around this is due how to the brain encodes memory, and this might mean a few things get chucked out by accident when you change rooms because your brain is, unawares to you, having to change gear the moment you cross that threshold as it 'processes' the different room. Your brain is relating the memory of what you needed to get before in time and space so it can tell what has passed, what is present etc. (if your brain didn't do this, you'd have a detached sense of time which is a major component of Schizophrenia) This also explains why going BACK to the room can bring back the memory. Your brain just dropped it on the way out.

But for someone with ADHD, if you're doing this so often to the point you feel like you lack object permanence or you feel like unless you can see it constantly, your brain will probably forget it exists? That's ADHD. An ADHD brain has problems with binding dopamine receptors which help us stay motivated and attentive. It's a bit like your short term memory is like a table in front of you where you line up all the things you're supposed to currently be 'remembering' but the ADHD component is the cat that's constantly prowling the table and smacking off things that don't generate enough dopamine. So the memories often end up on the floor and now it's been the fourth week in a row you forgot to put the bin out (me, btw 💀).

This of course, can happen to 'normal' people too - we are running virtually the same hardware. But the differences I am describing here are what we consider disordered.

This is what I think a lot of people forget when accusations of self-diagnosis/statements like 'everyone's a bit x' are thrown around. We're forgetting it's in the name, Autism Specrtum Disorder, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. The defining characteristic of all of these 'symptoms' that get talked about, is they are at a disordered level that is interrupting day to day life and/or making it unable for someone to function as well in our societal structure (this is your hint to go look up the Social Model of disability btw).

So yes, everyone forgets things. Everyone can feel overwhelmed by music that's too loud etc. The difference is this - take whatever that thing is that annoys you, now double it. Now it's a problem. It's disordered.

So yeah, next time someone tries to tell you you're maybe making shit up or you're seeing a lot of people on what I'd arguably call the Autism webbed site (there is a BIG correlation between neurodivergence and fandom btw) going 'oh me too?' maybe it's not a good sample size and if you've got the feeling something about you is off - do your research (from reputable sources, and no an Autistic person cannot be a perfect source because it affects everyone differently) and talk to your doctor.

Also P.S. self-diagnosis if you consider yourself adequately informed and find it useful and/or supported by a medical practitioner like your doctor or psychologist but cannot legally diagnose you - IS. VALID.

Costs - especially for adults - to get diagnosis are often prohibitive, and considering most studies confirm if you're Autistic you're more likely to be unemployed in the first place it's a massive catch 22. My diagnosis' cost me about 4-5k AUD in total. I did not pay for it, my parents did - and I know not everyone will get access to that.

So be kind people. And talk to your doc pls.

(P.S.S. No this isn't to rail on OP or anything this is just a thing I've been thinking about and think needs clearing up for a lot of peeps. We're forgetting what 'disorder' is. Talk to a health professional if you can. Do your research too.)

Edit: I realised I goofed and repeated myself, that's fixed also changed the link for the synaptic pruning to a better one. Shit happens when it's due more ADHD meds o'clock lol.

Pro tip if you see at least 50 people say "wait that's not normal??" In the comments of some neurodivergent relatability post then it probably is, in fact, normal. Daydreaming to songs is normal, I promise you. Most everything about being neurodivergent is normal, it's just the degree to which it affects you and your life that makes it abnormal.

[revisionsong]

For those of you who are tired of seeing AuDHD and other neurodivergent types ask if something they experience is an autism thing, remember that we ask cause we honestly do not have the experiences of a neurotypical person. If you, a NT person, can tell me we have that experience in common and at the the same intensity and frequency, that helps just as much as if you say you don't do the thing. I saw someone saying this was pathologizing common experiences or something to that effect and just. No. We just seriously wanna know if this is something everyone experiences, or just ND folks, or maybe just something I experience. Also there is a difference between asking "is this a symptom or defining trait of autism" and saying "I feel weird about this thing I do and would like to know to what degree of universality it is experienced." The amount of things I thought were just my experiences that have turned out to be autistic stuff or just universal stuff when I started talking about it is sorta staggering. Likewise the amount of things I thought everyone experienced that turned out to be fairly unique or actual autism and ADHD traits. We never know if we don't talk about our own personal interactions with the world. Even then, we're dealing with qualia and associated nonsense, but we can at least try to flail toward a common understanding of our similarities and differences.

[joodeegemstone]

turns out i am very good at the game incohearent. i guess my autism is just vibing on the right frequency for phonetics right now

[sammusbird]

[IDs: four screenshots of tags and replies to this post. The first of the first set, from @/hikari-ni-naritai, reads, “#the time in between morning and night is spent learning a new pig’s resonant frequency #and crafting a new gong #presumably”. The second, from @/jackassrabbit, reads, “#so is this a first in first out arrangement? #like you’re dissembling pigs in a logical order of oldest first? #or is it just arbitrary who you’re turning into bacon sarnies?”

In the next set, the third, from @/moral-autism, reads, “how many people eat breakfast on your farm”, and the fourth, from @/funeralcity, reads, “#small pigs or big breakfast?”

every morning i go out onto the farm and ring a gong at the perfect resonant frequency of one of my pigs, causing it to disassemble into perfectly cooked breakfast meats

[hooplovestudio]

Embracing the Vibes: Riding the waves of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria in Autism and ADHD- A Soulful Journey

Hey beautiful souls,

In a world that's all about the hustle and bustle, I wanna drop some knowledge on y'all about something real and deep – Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or as we call it, RSD. Now, RSD ain't just some fancy words; it's about feeling rejection in your soul, especially if you're vibin' on the autism spectrum or have ADHD. So, let's dive into this river of emotions, break down how it's different from just bein' anxious, and why spreading the love about it matters.

Groovin' with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

Imagine this: you mess up, things don't go your way, and boom – you're hit with a tidal wave of negative vibes. That's RSD, fam. It's like feeling those emotions that come after rejection and failure cranked up to eleven. We're talkin' 'bout feeling worthless, ashamed, and even getting physical symptoms like your heart racing or your stomach doin' flips.

Vibes of Autism and ADHD

Now, let's get real about the connection between RSD and our fam on the autism spectrum and rockin' the ADHD groove. Turns out, RSD ain't shy 'bout hangin' out with these conditions. People with ADHD, especially, know this vibe all too well. And it's right there, chillin', with those of us who are rockin' the autism vibes. But here's the thing: not everyone's tuned into this frequency, and that's why awareness is our ticket to ride.

Soulful Truth: RSD vs. Social Anxiety

I know it might sound like RSD and social anxiety are from the same record, but let's flip that vinyl and groove to the real beat. Social anxiety is like feeling that stage fright before you even step on the stage, you dig? But RSD? It's like the encore – the emotions hit hard after you've already done your thing. Big difference, right?

Why Spreadin' the Love Matters

Let's drop some wisdom on why we need to make some noise about RSD:

Spotlight on the Realness: There are folks out there who don't even know that RSD is the real deal. We gotta shine a light on this groove, so people can understand what's up and reach out for support.

Ditch the Judgement: Sometimes, folks get all judgy 'bout emotions. Raising awareness is like givin' them a backstage pass to understand what we're dealing with, and that's how we break down those walls.

Support and Love: From our tribe to our teachers and everyone in between, when they know what RSD is, they can be there for us in a way that's real and supportive.

Sparking Change: When we make some noise, we're sparkin' change. Research, understanding, and better ways to ride these waves – that's what awareness can bring.

So, let's wrap it up like this: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is like a storm of emotions, especially for our kin on the autism and ADHD journey. It's not just a case of bein' anxious; it's a whole different groove. Spreadin' the word about it is like droppin' the needle on a vinyl record – it sets the rhythm for a world that's all about acceptance and compassion. Let's groove together and make this world a little brighter for all of us.

Stay vibin', stay groovin', and keep spreadin' the love.

Peace and good vibes,

CyEra B.

[phantom-le6]

Episode Reviews - Star Trek: Voyager Season 6 (1 of 7)

Apologies to any regular readers out there for taking a while to sit down and get the next season of Voyager started reviewing-wise. There are a few reasons for this, but rather than bore you with those, let’s crack on and look at the first few episodes from the show’s sixth and penultimate season.

Episode 1: Equinox (Part 2)

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Following the events of Part 1, Seven has encrypted the codes accessing the Equinox warp controls, delaying the plan of Captain Ransome and his crew to murder another 63 aliens for fuel. After learning the Doctor in their sickbay is from Voyager, and erasing his ethical sub-routines as they did with their own EMH, they tell him to probe Seven's brain to obtain the codes, despite the fact this may permanently incapacitate her. During the Doctor's preparations, he idly sings "Oh My Darling, Clementine" in a duet with the partially incapacitated Seven, much dismaying Ransom as he suddenly sees her in more human terms.

 Janeway starts taking the objective of stopping Ransom to extremes. She orders torpedoes to be fired on the Equinox, nearly kills an Equinox crew member during an interrogation, tractor beams an Ankari ship to strong-arm their cooperation, and relieves Chakotay of duty when he questions her orders.

 Ransom starts to realize the error of his ways and orders the crew to return the Equinox to Voyager, but the remaining crew, except for Ensign Marla Gilmore, attempt to mutiny against this. As Voyager attacks, the mutineers fight back, the Equinox EMH supplying his shipmates with Voyager’s shield frequencies (having taken the Doctor’s place at the end of part 1).  However, with Gilmore's help, Ransom transports part of the crew, as well as the Doctor and Seven, back to Voyager, while the remaining mutineers are killed by the aliens. After transporting Gilmore to Voyager, Ransom stays behind, sacrificing himself to pilot the ship far enough away from Voyager to protect it from the resulting explosion.

 As Voyager resumes its journey home, Janeway reinstates Chakotay to Commander and strips the five surviving Equinox crew members of their ranks while integrating them with Voyager’s crew. Seven promises to help the Doctor secure his ethical sub-routines from being deleted in the future.

Review:

As good as this episode and its part 1 instalment from season 5 are, it is also justly criticised by Trek writer Ronald D Moore, who briefly joined the writers on Voyager following the end of Deep Space Nine.  Season 6 of Voyager was the first time since TNG season 5 that only one Star Trek show was on TV, so now this show was getting all the limelight and attention.  However, going by Moore’s comments, it wasn’t doing all it should with that spotlight. In part 2 of ‘Equinox’, Janeway starts losing her moral compass to get Ransom, while Ransom in turn begins to regain his, and the former situation creates a worse schism between Janeway and Chakotay than the one we saw back during the two-part episode ‘Scorpion’.

 According to Trek wiki site Memory Alpha, Ronald D Moore criticised the episode for both failing to explain the rationale behind these changes, and for resolving the Janeway-Chakotay schism too quickly and cleanly.  These are valid points, and it’s emblematic of the show as a whole relative to the metrics of good Trek.  All too often, episodes fail to be “about” anything, and while overall I prefer Voyager for its high level of autism-like characters, that doesn’t excuse a lack of substance.  Part 1 did give us a kind of “there but for the grace of being a main cast goes our crew”, but part 2 just seems to coast on this and throws in random drama until the action at the end.  Seven’s abduction doesn’t justify this, as Janeway barely voices much concern for her, and it’s not like Janeway ever learns that Seven’s life is on the line from the Equinox crew.  In turn, Janeway barely knows Ransom and Trek has known a fair few rogue officers at times within the ranks of Star Fleet.  That means Ransom betraying Janeway lacks the depth necessary to justify an Ahab-like pursuit of Ransom; Sisko and Eddington had that in Deep Space Nine, Chakotay had this with Seska in early Voyager episodes, but for Janeway and Ransom, it’s a hollow excuse for a vendetta.

 Ransom’s reasons for going the other way are also very thin.  Just because he sees Seven potentially suffering for his actions, that’s when he decides to have an attack of conscience?  Why do I get the feeling that if it was Tuvok, Neelix or anyone other than Seven, we’d never get this turn-around?  Probably because, as has been noted by Youtuber Jessie Gender, this is an episode from the Berman era, when Trek was handled by a sexist idiot that didn’t believe in Trek and just did a favour to the late Gene Roddenberry. Bottom line, this is a poor follow-up despite good acting and decent guest actors.  The show also fails to really follow through on the addition of the Equinox survivors to Voyager’s crew due to Berman’s myopic insistence on Trek as episodic television.  In the end, I give this episode only 5 out of 10.

Episode 2: Survival Instinct

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

Voyager is docked at the Markonian Outpost Space Station, which has welcomed the wayward ship with open diplomatic arms, allowing the free exchange of gifts and ideas. While meeting several representatives of various species in the mess hall, a man approaches Seven of Nine and reveals a container of several Borg compenents from her original unimatrix, which she takes in trade. The sight stuns Seven and brings back memories from her past as a Borg. As the man walks away, it is revealed that he is in telepathic communication with two other guests aboard Voyager, colluding with them to penetrate the ship's security systems.

 With B'Elanna Torres' help, Seven examines the components but denies having experienced any feelings at the sight of them. After returning to her Borg alcove to regenerate, the man and his two accomplices enter the cargo bay, revealing themselves as former Borg drones. They attempt to inject Seven with nanoprobes but she detects their presence, stops the attack, and alerts security. The three are subdued and taken to sick bay. The Doctor determines that while they are former Borg, the process to remove their Borg implants was blundered, and they’ve apparently been left with a shared mental connection. When they awake, the three affirm their condition, stating that they were also part of Seven's unimatrix, and want to bring her into that connection to learn what happened some years ago when their Borg scout ship crashed on an uninhabited planet. Seven herself cannot recall the event, but agrees to link to the others temporarily to attempt to uncover it.

 Told in flashbacks through the episode, after the crash, the four survivors lost contact with the Borg collective and constructed a communication array to contact the Borg for rescue. As they waited, the other three began to feel some aspects of individuality. While the other three embraced this, Seven fought against it. When they realized the Borg were approaching, the other three attempted to flee, but Seven followed them and re-injected each with nanoprobes, neutralizing their individualistic tendencies and re-assimilating them into the Collective.  This created the mental link within the trio, and upon learning this in the present, they fall into a coma.

 The three former drones have only two options for recovery: return to the Borg so they can become drones again, or have the Doctor remove the affected implants, severing their connection to each other. However, this process would mean removing Borg implants their brains are dependent on, leaving them with only a month to live. The Doctor asks Seven for her opinion, and she consults Chakotay, who asks her what she would rather do: live as a Borg for a normal lifespan or as an individual for a month. Seven is visibly moved and tells the Doctor to remove the others' implants. The Doctor protests, saying that his objective should be to preserve life at all costs; however, Seven argues that, like herself, even the Doctor was once a "drone" of sorts (confined to the ship's Sickbay) and that he would resist any attempts to force him back to that state. The Doctor accepts this logic and removes the implants from the former drones. Lansor (the former Two of Nine) elects to explore the station for the remainder of his life; Marika (Three of Nine) accompanies Voyager on its journey; and P'Chan (Four of Nine) chooses to spend his remaining days on a nearby uninhabited planet.

Review:

Leave it to an American TV show to force characters into a “liberty or death” scenario.  This episode ends up feeling like a load of melodramatic tripe when it gets to that part, because aside from anything else, this is a sci-fi show that has previously show-cased that its title ship has various ways of putting people in suspended animation.  How about instead of having to choose between essentially life-limiting the ex-drones or handing them back to the Borg, they just put the trio into suspended animation for a later cure down the road?  Seriously, the plot of this episode come the last act is just pointless histrionics and, quite honestly, a let-down in Trek tradition.  How have we gone from someone like Kirk who didn’t believe in no-win scenarios to people who make the choice without even looking at alternatives?

 The one redeeming aspect of the episode is that it goes back to the idea of Seven being akin to someone being liberated from a cult.  In the flashbacks, we see she’s had a prior experience along the same lines as her original introduction to Voyager along with three other drones.  However, Seven’s reaction differs because she’s been assimilated by the Borg as a child instead of as an adult.  This left her without the means to function as an individual from a mental perspective, which is often why cults in real life would target young people wherever possible.  The earlier in life someone is indoctrinated into a given belief, the less likely they are to abandon it because they develop a dependence on that. Frankly, I think the episode would have done better chucking out the life-or-death medical stuff and focusing more on Seven reconciling with what being Borg did to her and the other drones through her.  Overall, I give this episode 6 out of 10.

Episode 3: Barge of the Bead

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

While returning from an away mission, B'Elanna Torres encounters interference from an ion storm which results in a concussion. Commander Chakotay finds a Klingon artifact lodged inside Torres' shuttlecraft, and Torres sees this emitting blood and hears voices speaking in the Klingon language. Since the USS Voyager is stranded in the Delta Quadrant, the ship is several thousand light-years away from Klingon-controlled space. Morale officer Neelix plans a celebration of the discovery of the object, since it’s a symbol of the Alpha Quadrant and thus Voyager’s home; Torres resists the proposal for a party. She consults with Lt. Tuvok, who believes her negative response to the object stems from her hatred of her Klingon heritage. Tuvok assaults Torres with a Bat'leth, saying she is not a true Klingon before dismissing her as dishonoured. While attending the festivities in the mess hall, Torres notices the Doctor and Seven of Nine singing Klingon drinking songs and Tom Paris eating Klingon cuisine. After witnessing several Klingon warriors killing the crew, she falls and finds herself aboard a boat. Torres discovers she is being transported to Gre'thor (the Klingon version of hell) on the Barge of the Dead, and that her mother Miral was placed aboard as a dishonoured soul.

 Torres awakes to find she has been in a coma the entire time. She had almost died from the accident in the ion storm. Chakotay believes Torres' encounter with her mother was a hallucination prompted from her near-death experience, but she believes that it was real. Torres believes her mother is being punished because of her daughter's dishonour, saying that she must return to the Barge of the Dead to rescue her. Captain Kathryn Janeway permits Torres to put herself in an induced coma, with the Doctor monitoring the procedure. After being placed in a coma, Torres successfully returns to the barge. She reunites with her mother, but they argue about whether or not she has truly embraced Klingon spirituality. Miral responds by telling her she does not understand what it truly means to be a Klingon, as B’Elanna plans to be revived before the barge reaches its destination, thereby cheating. After their conversation, Torres decides to take her mother's place on the barge; even though Miral resists the transference, she is allowed to move on to Sto-vo-kor (a part of the Klingon afterlife similar to the Norse Valhalla) while Torres is escorted into Gre'thor.

 She discovers that Voyager is her version of Gre'thor, and is confronted by alternate versions of the crew. Miral returns to explain that she cannot fully be released into Sto-vo-kor until Torres completes her journey. Tuvok attacks Torres again with a bat'leth, but she surrenders rather than fighting back. Miral identifies this as the first step in her path. She informs Torres that they will reunite either in Sto-vo-kor or when Torres returns home. Torres is resuscitated and embraced by Janeway.

Review:

Working religion into Trek is one of the ultimate delicate operations in fiction writing.  Handle it right and you get a great Trek episode because it covers genuinely new ground in character development, maybe explores issues with real-life religions or otherwise delivers something of substance.  Handle it wrong and you just prove Roddenberry was right making future humanity in an optimistic future a very secularist concept. For me, this one went all wrong.  It’s one long riff on the same old things we already know about B’Elanna; anger issues, hates her Klingon side, blah blah blah. In theory, the near-death hallucination/religious experience she has should make the episode better, but frankly it doesn’t, because it comes close to basically saying “this religion is right about the afterlife”, and that’s never a good way to handle religion.

 When Trek has done religion right in the past, it’s either kept things firmly in the show’s real world, making the story all about belief without even suggesting the supernatural, or it’s provided a simultaneous scientific explanation, leaving it up to a given character to make a decision if what they felt was science or mysticism.  This episode, however, doesn’t lean enough on its science side.  It also fails to really explain what the heck B’Elanna is really going through at the end. Top-to-bottom, it’s an episode I think the show should just never have bothered with.  3 out of 10, next episode please.

Episode 4: Tinker Tailor Doctor Spy

Plot (as adapted from Wikipedia):

The Doctor asks Captain Janeway to alter his program to allow him to captain the ship if an emergency occurs. Janeway refuses the request. Despite this, the Doctor alters his own sub-routines, allowing him to daydream, while Voyager is traveling through an apparently harmless nebula. Among other ego-fulfilling fantasies, the daydreams include one where he becomes the "Emergency Command Hologram" and defeats an attacking alien vessel using a fictional deadly photonic cannon. The Doctor finds that his daydreams are occurring when he doesn't want them to, a side effect of his faulty programming, and the crew disables the new routines.

 Meanwhile, undetected by Voyager, the crew of an observation ship of the Hierarchy has been monitoring Voyager's passage. As they have done with other ships that pass through the nebula, the Hierarchy determines whether there is any value on the ships, and if so, attacks them. Unable to scan Voyager via normal means, Hierarchy crewman Phlox instead uses a microscopic tunnelling scan. This latches onto the Doctor's program, allowing him to witness events experienced by the hologram, but these are actually the Doctor's fantasies. Phlox soon realizes his mistake, which the Hierarchy will severely punish as soon as it becomes known. The attack on Voyager for its anti-matter reserves already has been scheduled, so Phlox needs it to fail while appearing that what he reported was true.

 Phlox uses the tunnelling scan to reactivate the Doctor's daydreaming programs to allow him to communicate with the hologram. Phlox explains the situation to the Doctor, who in turn reports this to Janeway. As Voyager's crew becomes aware of the approaching Hierarchy ships, Janeway arranges for the deception to be complete, temporarily turning the Doctor into the Emergency Command Hologram. The Doctor, less confident in reality than his daydreams, is still able to bluff regarding use of the "photonic cannon" and the Hierarchy quickly retreats. Janeway commends the Doctor for his performance and arranges a team to evaluate the prospects of putting the hologram in charge of the ship under emergency situations.

Review:

Now this episode is actually a great episode, despite the unfortunate necessity of the Voyager crew having to invade the Doctor’s fantasies via the holodeck when his program goes awry.  It’s a rare occasion where Trek does comedy over action or something else and manages to do it well, yet at the same time also develop a character and explore an issue.  It’s interesting to see the Doctor exploring daydreams, because that’s a very human thing we all take for granted, and his fantasies are very relatable.  Whether it’s the action hero fantasy where the Doctor becomes the Emergency Command Hologram, or imagining the female crew members being attracted to him, the Doctor’s imaginings aren’t much different from those of most people in real life.

 As I say, the downside of the episode is the rest of the crew having to spy on his fantasies when the Doctor malfunctions. I’m glad they at least express some reluctance, especially since the Doctor is one of the show’s autism-like characters.  That autism-like quality in the Doctor is also why, even though I also see Seven as autism-like, my patience with her reaction to the Doctor’s fantasies is rather thin.  Ultimately, fantasies are a private thing, and frankly given the advancement of technology in Trek, I have to question why the crew even needed to put those fantasies on the holodeck.

 Yes, the Doctor fantasised about Seven coming onto him, and about sketching her in the nude, but ultimately, it was a fantasy. It was not a real event, ergo Seven doesn’t have much of a right to get annoyed about it.  This is why it’s a good thing human society isn’t telepathic; it’s bad enough watching the tabloid press in real life invade the privacy of the high-profile and then drumming up judgement from the public over perfectly legitimate, if not always well-understood, activities.  Imagine if we all showed the same lack of respect for privacy by tip-toeing through other people’s thoughts to see their private hopes, dreams and fears.  There’s a reason why in real life, most of us only reveal our innermost thoughts to close family, romantic partners and/or mental health professionals; we don’t want every Tom, Dick and Mary to know everything going on in our heads.

 Given this, I think someone should have taken five minutes to point all this out to Seven, or even better, I think the crew should have fixed the Doctor’s program without playing out the fantasies in the holodeck like a damn peep show.  However, it’s still the best overall Voyager episode of this round, and I give it 8 out of 10.

[jellycatstuffies]

how are things with you atm? I remember a while ago you were experiencing some financial difficulties and I just wanted to check in. I hope things have improved. Very grateful for the work you put into this blog and into answering people's asks

Oof... This is a difficult question to answer. I was debating whether to put up another post about my current situation since it might affect my post frequency, but decided against it.

My long-time partner moved out a few days ago and now I am on my own and I'm just trying to survive. I do not know when I will see him again and everything feels very vulnerable right now. No, my financial situation has not improved, largely due to the slowness of bureaucracy and simply bad luck. I've been working with a team of social workers to get a disability pension because of my autism as well as some issues connected to that, but it's taking forever. If that comes through, I could finally relax a little and focus on my passion full-time.

Thank you for your kind words by the way! A lot of people dismiss my social platforms (this blog and my instagram) as "a silly hobby" or "fun" or they call me a "jellycat addict" (something I think is insulting and makes me sound like a crazy person). While I certainly love running these platforms and putting out content, it is REAL WORK, too. It's nice to be appreciated. My platforms give me a sense of purpose in a world that doesn't see value in the skills I have to offer as well as an opportunity to make social connections I would never make otherwise. (Plus, when you get to the point of speaking with the Jellycat CEO personally and privately, I think you are more than just "another fan"🙄)

I'm sorry if this turned into a bit of a rant, I'm going through a really tough time emotionally... As always though, neither this blog nor my Instagram with my Jellycat photography are going anywhere.

-Victor

[general9chaos]

Yeah, I agree.

Like, compare autism and epilepsy. Autism is a broad swath of stuff, some of which make life harder (intellectual disability, sensory sensitivities, face-blindness, difficulty learning social cues) and some of which make life more pleasant (special interests are really fun!). Epilepsy is just seizures, unprovoked and recurrent. These are often comorbid; that is, if you've got one you're more likely to have the other. About a quarter of autistic adults also have epilepsy.

Usually, they take antiepileptic drugs to reduce the frequency and intensity of their seizures. It is possible, even common, to want to never have a seizure ever again, and also want to keep enjoying your special interest. This is not ableism! This is the expressed preference of lots of disabled people!

Most disabilities are more like epilepsy than like autism. Figuring out how to treat and cure them, or prevent them from happening to people you care about, is not ableism. Like, amputees are people and can live perfectly good lives, but anti-ableism does not demand you cut off one of your limbs at random! That does not help disabled people!

There is definitely a competing access needs thing here. Autistic (and deaf) people value and depend on communities of other autistic (and deaf) people. Their access to such communities is important. At the same time, epileptic people should have access to antiepileptic drugs because epilepsy sucks. Amputees need prosthetics. People with weak lungs need oxygen. If you could cure the vast majority of disabilities, the person you cure would thank you for it.

Hell, I'll go further. If there was a drug that made seeing car headlights at night less hellish, I'd definitely look into getting it. I don't want to turn into a neurotypical, but I sure would like to get rid of my light sensitivities. Being able to pick and choose which symptoms of autism I express would be an enormous benefit to me.

https://olderthannetfic.tumblr.com/post/733801542402162688/not-to-be-that-person-but-isnt-being-concerned#notes It's really easy to feel morally superior and call it "ableism" for someone not to want having their child be born with severe disabilities.

But when you actually live it, it really puts things into perspective.

Tell me, is it ableism to want your child to live a happy and healthy life? Is it ableism not wanting your child to be in constant pain? Is it ableism to know how your child is going to die, and also knowing "when?" Is it ableism to worry about your child never being able to live an independent life, always needing someone to take care of them, and knowing you will die not knowing if your child is taken care of? Is it ableism to be afraid that your child is forever going to be in medical debt just for being born? That your child will always be at the greatest risk of any demographic of being abused by their caretakers? Is it ableism not wanting to watch your newborn baby waste away hooked up to medical equipment because vital organs didn't form when they should have?

I'm not talking about deafness, autism, I myself fall into the category of "born disabled but I can live with it." I'm talking about disabilities that will forever cause your life to feel like you're being punished for living. When the only crime you've committed is being born, and the universe has decided to punish you.

Exhausted lol, I know I'm sounding dramatic, but I feel like a lot of people just think about the disabled people in their lives living relatively good lives, even with all the shitty red tape disabled people have to live with. But they don't think about the disabled people who's quality of life never existed because the disability was so severe.

--

[anexperimentallife]

EDIT: This is about AUTISTIC masking--as in when we try to hide, or "mask" our autism. PLEASE wear your actual, physical, disease-spread-prevention mask!

Turns out that excessive masking--which I've done all my life--hinders emotional regulation and increases the likelihood and frequency of meltdowns and angry outbursts in autistics. Masking, of course, includes avoidance of stims--which is one of the ways we self-regulate.

This makes sense. The harder I tried to mask (even before I knew I was autistic), the greater degree of underlying frustration I had, and the more out of control I felt. I put so much work and energy into faking being "normal" (which didn't even work), that there was nothing left inside me for anything else.

It should come as no surprise that literally pretending 24/7 to be someone you're not has some pretty messed up effects. As I learn to mask less and stim more, I have far more patience, and am happier as a person.

Incidentally, this is another reason we adult autistics keep trying to explain that ABA (aka autistic conversion therapy, aka abuse) is so horrible--it teaches kids to mask harder and takes away self-regulation tools in order to reinforce a superficial level of behavioral compliance that is harmful in the long run.

(And yes, this is okay to reblog, whether you're autistic or not.)

[burningfeathersx]

He gave a brief murder-cat stare before Vox corrected himself. He's a testy creature by default.

Vic might be a little autistic. Like his birth-father. But that wasn't the worst thing in Lucifer's opinion. And, anyway, a lot of angels came off autistic to a human. Was that actually autism or just a natural trait? Who cares. He sure didn't. If Vic turned out a bit non-verbal then they'd just figure it out. And they just did figure it out. Non-issue to Lucifer.

Smooch dispelled anything left over. "Mhm. Meet you lot at the couch." He took bowl with him to get settled on said couch. Getting cozy in a throw blanket and taking a minute to braid his hair up.

Valentino was surprisingly fine with Victorious. More than he thought of himself around kids. Or pets. Then again, he'd been better about it now than he'd been while alive or disassociating half-way across the Rings.

Couldn't really hear what Vic projected on the frequency level beyond emotions, but he tended to understand some basics like this one feels like 'hungry' or 'sad' or 'happy'. They got by. Right now it was coloring time! Lots of crayons and pencils and pens laying around on sheafs of paper on the floor when Vox came in. Both of them scribbling away.

"--yeah, and when that cabron fucked up the deal you know what I--" Val saw blue light in the corner of his eye and stopped talking shit with a tiny tot. As not to get caught talking shit with a tiny tot. "Voxxy~"

He was lightly taken aback. He had noticed Vic wasn't forming even rudimentary word-sounds, but he wasn't keyed into those frequencies of Vox's. Could hear a high pitched resonation of such a thing often. Not in the sense of it having language. Just was right barely out of the the limits of his being and perceptions. He was made a long time ago, after all. Not one of those newfangled models that seemed to appear every so often lately.

Lucifer followed up with a nod. Not looking concerned so much as contemplative. "Well, Jasper did pretty well with the speech-tablets when his motor functions weren't developed enough for consistent sign use. After that it's not hard for me to teach him ASL." He did it with Jasper after all. "But I need you to know that ASL is a commitment. A group-family one. We all have to use it for him to get fluent." More pointed look for Vox. "No 50's old man shenanigans. Or supplemental google translate."

[lovely-necromancy]

A Cure for Insomnia CH.5

A scream shocks you out of your fuzzy thoughts. You look around and notice Connor sitting alert and looking like he wants to run down the hallway this very instant.

“Connor?” the head snaps to you immediately and before you can even question his presence in your home he jumps up and barks then walks in circles near the door.

Great a dog who has no sense of horror movie tropes. Since the scream did come from inside your house you should go find the person who made it and see what's wrong. Also maybe get clarification on why they're in your home. You aren't dead and are still in the same clothes so you figure you're alright around them. You follow Connor to where Toby is, in your kitchen staring out the window standing at a very odd angle. Like he caught himself before he fell backwards but hadn't bothered to get up.

“What's up....oh.” is all you can say as you see Chonk's head whip towards you and Connor before he books it for the tree line. Damn that fat raccoon can run fast, good to know if he ever wants to chase you down in the future. Which he might if you don't leave his slice of pizza out today.

“'oh' 'oh', that's all yo-you've got to say about a giant fuck-ing ra-mrrow- raccoon!?!” maybe thinking this guy was composed and unphased was a misconception, if seeing Chonk has put his world views in question.

“I mean he probably just eats a lot of pizza.” to put it simply you never gave much thought to the fat little trash thief, he was just fat and he existed. Visiting your home for the slice he deemed his every other week. Probably had other homes in Kepler he terrorized for the same reasons. God knows Leo would never put up with a raccoon trashing his store for his pizza. Or even his home for that matter.

“He's nearly half the size of Connor!” looking down towards Connor you tilt your head.

“Are we talking about with his legs or just his torso?” you could maybe see the size comparison with the dog's body but with his height it was a different matter all together.

Toby rolls his eyes before going and sitting down at the small breakfast table where he seemed to have found your fidget cube and had been well fidgeting with it. You take the seat opposite of him, it's weird having a guest over especially when you didn't invite them in. Well now that removes the chances of him being a vampire you suppose.

Perfect not a kidnapper, nor a vampire, and he's helped you out twice now. The two of you might well be on your way to becoming best friends. That is if he could get past this episode of yours.

“I still don't know what happened last night, but I'm done with the freak out.” you say as you idly pet Connor.

“...What?” he's squinting at you trying to get a read on how anyone bounces back from something like that so calmly in a matter of hours. Especially when he'd been checking up on you and Connor only to see you still staring off into space.

“Oh, uh... I have Autism. Isn't good for much but helps me rationalize events quicker and move past emotional and mental breakdowns pretty quick too.”

“Is that an Autism thing?” you shrug at his question as he jerks his shoulders forwards a few times.

“Probably more of a me thing, but I've read the trait tends to be more common in those of us who are neurodivergent.”

You hear a murmur of telling someone later later. Filing that away to take note of another day you stare at Toby who in turn stares back. This goes on for a bit, you couldn't even classify it as a staring contest since you are both still blinking occasionally. You aren't really sure if you should say 'thank you' first and then ask the man what he's doing in your home or wait for him to break the silence. But as you stare at Toby, into his eyes, you get the feeling this man is more of a zombie than anything else. The type to drag along and go at a snails pace rather than get into the messy bits in one go...ironic choice for comparison.

“Thank you for driving me home...but why are you still here?” you hear a huff of laughter?

“You weren't really in a position...” knuckles pop “to be left alone. What if you got back into your car again?” his eyes cut and there's a bit of bite to his words...it wasn't directed towards you, you can feel that much.

“Fair enough.” you glance at the stove and see the clock shine a little before six. “Would you like some breakfast” his neck snaps to the left triggering your own to snap as well, “or a ride home?” you finish asking.

“Can you make something for Connor too? Don't trust you behind the wheel yet.”

“Oh sure! What does he normally eat?” Perking up at the thought of the dog being off duty, that means actual pets!

“He-mrrow- normally gets oatmeal with some fruit or veg and anything raw I can find.” He finishes with a whistle for Connor's attention, and then a pointed finger flipping down in front of him. The dog trots over and sits down, while Toby takes off the vest you look through your cupboards to find the rolled oats you'd gotten as incentive to eat in the mornings before realizing you only liked them on certain days.

“So what does Tobias normally eat?” you call out as you look for some honey you know you threw in the cupboards.

“Anything really. I don't do slimy textures or anything watery.”

“Watery? Like soups?” Found a can of pumpkin, it's still in date too, perfect.

“Watery like...when you put too much water in oatmeal.” He nods when you silently show him the can of pumpkin asking if that'd be fine for his boy, who is sitting down drooling from his smiling face as Toby tussles his ears.

“Ahhh, thin watery got it.” You hear movement and a few grunts from Toby as you assume he tics, trying to ignore them so they won't trigger your own you look through the fridge. You suddenly take a deep breath, while looking for a meat in your fridge, and let out a shrill trill. Kinda sounds like a Togepi's cry from the cartoon. Shaking your head your eyes catch the eggs and turkey sausages you have.

“Will turkey sausage and eggs work for you two?”

“Never had turkey sausage but it should be fine.” he's leaning forward resting his head in his arms on the table as Connor lays by his bouncing feet.

You set the eye to medium heat and put the sausages on first, leaving three out for Connor. He is a big dog after all. You turned your focus on preparing Connor's oatmeal while the sausages cooked. It was kinda nice having company over even though the circumstances weren't the best. Your neck jerks to the side three times before pulling back. There's more on the way your neck didn't crack and your body doesn't let up until it does.

“So what disorder do you have?” You turn to give Toby a confused look you hope he can read through your mask.

“...I have a few..you want the list?”

“No, the tics. Lower level Tourettes or what?”

“Oh, they stem from my” head jerking twice to the side before cracking “there we go.” “Sorry, they stem from my Autism, at least that's the best I can gather without seeing a specialist. Virginia doctors suck big time.”

“Tell me about it.” that perks you right up, you knew you caught a transatlantic accent, it's pretty much the lack of an accent that gives Virginians away so easily. You already have two guesses on where Toby came from.

“I knew it, you're from Halifax aren't you?!” Since you've turned around to face him you see the exact moment his face drops. Eyes shocked wide open.

“How...did”

“Oh it's easy once you know what to listen for, in fact it was the total lack of any distinguishing accent or use of slang that gave you a way. A lot of people don't notice what they take from their communities linguistically speaking. And for us Virginians it's what we don't take. It's such a bland neutral midpoint it's why it had been so coveted during the radio era and while we might've lost the in-fluctuations as time went by, no longer needing them for our voices to be heard over various frequencies....am I talking too much you can tell me to shut up, really you won't hurt my feelings.” you give Toby a minute to process everything you've just said.

“Special interest?”

“mmm, more a...an interesting factoid.” you hope he registers your smile, hell you hope he doesn't think you're weird. You know how much you can be sometimes, especially when you info dump or overshare information. He manages to nod along with you before finding his voice again.

“Lemme guess NOVA?”

“Pfft, seriously.” you really need him to at least register the disgust on your face if he hasn't been able to read you before, “Listen the Beach isn't much better but I'd probably off myself if I was from NOVA.”

“A public service really.”

You both stare at each other before breaking into a fit of laughter. It's nothing huge but it does seem to put Toby more at ease you noticed. In the time it took you to make breakfast for all three of you you've found out a little bit more about Toby.

He's uncomfortable talking about his hometown, at least you assume, so instead he mentions that he recently came to town with his friends, Brian and Tim. Talks mostly about Connor and you learn he's to help alert Toby of his Tourettes when driving and he can even detect seizures with Brian. That's amazing, service dogs have sure come a long way! And you love hearing what a silly puppy Connor is off duty, it makes you smile. Toby in turn asks about you, and you are such a well of stories. You tell him about your family back on the coast, about your recent move to Kepler, give him a little info on Kepler to help him adjust to his stay, and even get on the topic of your extensive work with animals.

“Sounds like you were working towards being a trainer, why didn't you?”

Making a sound that sort of sounds like a jumbled 'I dunno', “Sort of don't like people that much. Dogs are fine, less complex and less likely to complain when you do something in a different way. But a trainer doesn't train the dog, they train the people.” You're placing Connor's food in front of him as he sits patiently.

It's quiet for a moment as you place a plate in front of Toby and set yours down as well. Not tense just quiet, it's very calming really. Until Toby ruins it.

“Thanks Connor.”

Like he's a voice actor who is over exaggerating the sound effects of a dog munching away at their bowl. Connor inhales harshly before diving head first into the bowl. The dog is ferociously tearing into his breakfast and you can't help the laughter that spills from you at his enthusiasm. Hands coming up near your face and shaking as you shift from foot to foot. It's a happy stim, cute dogs are of course a trigger, someone can complain later you're happy to see a happy excited pup any day.

Taking your seat and turning your attention to your food, you see Toby hasn't touched his own. He's staring at the plate with a furrowed brow, he glances up to you as you remove your mask. You feel a bit vulnerable to be honest.

“Oh is something wrong? Do you want something else?”  He's a guest who's helped you twice now the least you can do is make sure he leaves your home full.

It takes a moment but he gathers his thoughts to explain, “I have a scar...it's pretty bad.” he looks away from you.

You tilt your head not quiet understanding what he means, “Cool story, do you want me to look away?”

He stalls at this, you just keep throwing him for a loop since you met the other day. While he thinks on it you scoop some of your eggs on your spoon and into your mouth. Perfect texture and prefect flavor, today will be good.

Toby seems to have made his decision and without any show he takes his mask off to begin eating. You can see the scar he was talking about, and while the currently red and bleeding'?!' scar on the left corner of his mouth was bad it wasn't much compared to the gaping hole further up that side on his cheek. You can clearly see the even whiter, how this boy is so pale is beyond you, skin around the edges suggesting the wound was older and had started to heal at some point. But you could see most of the teeth on the left side of his mouth. You've never seen these teeth while they were still in the head. A skull or 3D model yea. But never a living breathing person's head. It's fascinating really, you hadn't even noticed that you finished your breakfast as you watched him eat, you were so enthralled.

“You know your lip's bleeding right?” eyes never leaving the boy's teeth as you see them grind down the eggs into the tiniest particles. Neat!

“Rwhatf?” the way he can talk with his mouth full without spilling it from the hole is fucking magic and you won't hear another word on it.

He takes a drink of water, again it doesn't spill. Then you notice the slight tilt of his head...oh he's had practice doing this. Impressive honestly.

“That's what you choose to comment on?” his eyes narrow at you're still gawking form.

“I'm sorry I've just never seen those type of teeth still in head, normally muscle and...and skin cover them. So this is really cool to see them in action!” gosh you're so damn weird. By his stupefied expression Toby seems to think so too.

“Plus the wound looks healed but the lips look fresh,” you get up and grab a few paper towels bringing them over to offer to Toby, “Not to mention it's bleeding and you haven't once wiped it.”

He doesn't reply as he takes the napkins from you and dabs at his scarred lip, looking back and seeing blood just as you said. He was right when he thought he'd been biting himself a few hours ago. He'd totally forgotten to check after getting you home.

“Well I don't feel it so I didn't know actually.” he just resumes eating as if this conversation didn't happen.

“Didn't, didn't, didn't” you get stuck in a loop for a bit before breaking out “you didn't feel it? What do you have congenital insensitivity to pain?” you ask incredulously.

“I haven't heard it called that since I got diagnosed.” still eating he looks at you through his long eyelashes.

This dude could not be a real person. You had to have been imagining your dream friend. Everything you learned about Toby was more interesting than the last...at least for you it was.

“Medical history podcasts are interesting.” you shrug, “should I get the first aid kit?” at his shrug you get up and go to your bathroom to retrieve the kit.

Coming back into the kitchen you catch Toby lowering your plates for Connor to lick clean. You don't see a problem with it but you will wash everything twice since the pup has slobbered on nearly everything anyway. When you don't say anything he lets Connor continue before placing the dishes in your sink.

“Such a big help” you say patting Connor's head as you pass him, “Yea I really am” Toby says as he sits back down. Propping his arm up on the table to rest his head on his knuckles, it was such a fluid and casual motion. As if he's sat at this table everyday of his life, like this was his home and you were his guest. Tied in with how comfy he is man spreading at your kitchen table you'd say he made himself at home just fine.

You smile and scoot your chair next to him first aid kit in between you on the table. Toby looks between you and the kit before leaning in closer for you to work. Grabbing the antiseptic cleaning towels you go to wipe Toby's lip when he flinches away. Probably faking to see your reaction.

“Oh, fuck off you have CIPA.” you laugh grabbing his chin to keep him in place. He rolls his eyes “And you're weird.” The vibrations feel weird against your fingers.

“I know.” you continue cleaning the small bite mark? Well he does have CIPA he wouldn't be able to feel the pain if he was gnawing at his lips. Would he be able to taste the metallic tang of his blood or were taste buds effected by the disorder too? You might need to do another deep dive on this, it just became relevant. Maybe an anxious tic, judging from the larger wound it could be possible. Wearing a mask must help to hide it but not not to stop it getting worse if no one can call you out on it.

“That wasn't an insult...” he says making you look up into his eyes as you dry the wound, “I know.” You smile down at him, knowing this time he can see it on your maskless face.

When you finished cleaning his wounded lips, you drove Toby and Connor back to their home. Which turned out to be the RV at the forgotten entrance of the forest. Toby had been a little wary you knew where he was talking about but seemed to shake it off just as quick when you mentioned hiking a lot and using that entrance because it was the closest to you.

He had put Connor's vest back on and hopped in the back with him. You noticed from the review that Connor's full attention was on you.

“This set up let's him focus on the driver, so he'll tell us if something will impede your driving.” Well that explains Brian's position the first time you four met.

Nodding you sync you phone with the car's bluetooth and pass it to Toby with spotify open.

“Rules of the road, passenger picks music.” you say simply when he questioned it.

He quickly clicked your last playlist. Probably either too lazy to find something or trying to get a better read on you. Music says a lot about a person even if not everyone thinks that way. And unfortunately for you this playlist screams mental illness and a need for therapy. But you have folk punk. So who needs therapy when you can just scream cry these lyrics.

Toby doesn't comment on it, either just totally apathetic or maybe he likes it. He's a bit of an enigma, he's open and honest for the most part but saves his opinions unless directly asked.

Even after making it to the RV without incident Toby tries to distract you for a bit and tempt you out of the car with the possibility of playing with Connor. As fun as the idea sounds and as much as you don't want to be rude, you're very tired and drained. Probably more from “hanging out” with Toby this morning than your actual episode last night. Plus you understand Toby's just trying to be nice and maybe ensure your safety.

“Could I maybe rain-check? I'm actually really tired.” you say with your most polite smile, though he can't see it through the mask  you know he sees the crinkle of your eyes.

“Sure, just get home safe.” you feel that's less about you, but you aren't sure what the hanging subject is. So cryptic.

“Yup,” you chirp, “See you later Tobias!” as you start to back out back onto the road you hear Toby say “ Later YN.”

Driving off you can't keep the smile off of your face. Toby's a nice guy, you hope you get to spend more time with him. And this time the thought isn't centered around also hanging out with Connor. Just about enjoying Toby's company.

Getting home and locking your door you strip your jeans and flannel, leaving you only in your muscle tee, and curl up in your unkempt sheets. You'll do laundry later, right now was time for a little nap.

[adultingautistic]

Hey, since I've followed you, I have noticed quite a lot of behaviours in myself (turns out I do a lot of things that can be considered stimming that I considered just "quirks" or things I did because I was bored or just to stress-relief) My older sister recently tried to get diagnosed but got turned away because she "showed too much mimic"(??) Anyways, sorry for the rant, I wanted to ask if there can be other causes for stimming aside from autism? Just bc I want to consider all possibilities

An excellent question!

So, I was going to write my own answer, but then this article I found worded everything so well that I just decided to paste most of it:

Stimming exists on a continuum. Most people stim at least some of the time. For example, chewing on a pencil while in deep concentration is a form of stimming. Stimming does not necessarily mean a person has autism, ADHD, or another neurological difference. Yet frequent or extreme stimming such as head-banging more commonly occurs with neurological and developmental differences.

WHY DO PEOPLE STIM?

Stimming helps people cope with emotions such as frustration and boredom. It may also help them concentrate, especially on challenging or boring tasks. Over time, stimming can become a habit. A person might come to associate biting their nails or chewing their hair with deep concentration, making it more difficult to concentrate without these stimming behaviors.

Autistic people often feel overwhelmed by sensory input such as flickering lights or loud noises. Stimming can help them recover a sense of control, calming them and making sensory distraction easier to manage. Stimming is often a sign that an autistic person is overwhelmed and struggling to cope with their emotions.

Stimming can also be pleasurable, especially when people associate stimming with relaxation or concentration.

DO ALLISTIC PEOPLE STIM?

Many forms of fidgeting, such as twisting hair or tapping fingers, are also a type of stimming. These forms of stimming are so common that they often go unnoticed.

Toddlers and preschoolers may also stim to cope with overwhelming emotions and having little control over their own lives. Some parents worry this stimming behavior is an early warning sign of autism, but when stimming is the only symptom, autism is unlikely. According to United Cerebral Palsy, about 20% of neurotypical toddlers bang their heads.

Neurotypical people stim for the same reasons that autistic people do—to cope with boredom, alleviate feelings of sensory overload, manage frustration and anxiety, and because stimming can become a pleasurable habit. Fidget spinners, a recent toy fad, are a stimming tool popular among both neurotypical and neurodivergent children.

So then what’s the difference based on neurodiverse stimming vs allistic fidgeting?

First, other neurodiversities absolutely can make a person stim to the same degree that autistic people do.  Anxiety is a big one, so is ADHD.  If you’ve ever seen an actor in a movie start rocking back and forth because they’re THAT scared or upset, this is them stimming because their emotions are THAT overwhelming, so even allistics do stim on occasion.

So what’s the difference then, between autistic stimming and allistic stimming?

1) Intensity: If you’re stimming so hard you’ve rubbed holes in all your shirt-sleeves (ahem: me), then you’ve moved beyond allistic stimming.

2) Frequency:  If you’re stimming so often that you’ve actually caused your arm muscles to get sore from overuse (ahem: me), then you’ve moved beyond allistic stimming.

3) Ability to stop: If stopping causes you stress, then it’s more likely neurodiverse stimming, if stopping is no big deal for you, then it’s more likely allistic stimming.

4) Social acceptability: If you are not able to keep your stims limited to “socially acceptable” stims only, then you’ve moved beyond allistic stimming.  (However the opposite is NOT true- if you are able to keep your stims limited to what’s socially acceptable, this does’t mean you’ aren’t autistic, it just means you’ve learned to mask).

5) Harmfulness: If your stims are causing harm to either you or to objects, and you’re aware of this harm but still do them, then you have moved beyond allistic stimming.

This is not an exhaustive list, and there are other differences as well.  Also, if you do even ONE of these, then you’ve moved outside of allistic stimming and are now in neurodiverse stimming territory.  So don’t feel like “Well I do only 4 of those so I’m not autistic”, no, you do AT LEAST ONE, so you probably are neurodiverse in some way.

But no, it is not only autism that causes people to need to stim more intensely than allistics do.  Any form of emotional distress can cause stimming to increase, as can any form of mental distress.

So if stimming is the only neurodiverse behavior you’ve noticed in yourself, then it probably isn’t autism that’s the cause of it- it’s more likely to be an emotional cause.  But if you’ve noticed many other autistic behaviors in yourself, then autism is highly likely to be the reason for your stimming.